I lift my eyes up to . . . what? 1
17th Feb 2009
Hello lovely people
First published in If Journal vol. 121.
Life is a rollercoaster at the best of times. When times are good, we feel the elation and fun of being here, and we want to share our joy with the world. When times are bad, either we do not want to face anyone, or nobody wants to face our misery.
Where do we find our solace and peace during the down times? And why do we only seek solace during the down times?
I grew up in a culture where we were taught that during the worst of times, we can find solace in the church. When I hit my first adult crisis, I went to the church and found an empty, cold building. I went to the people of the church, but they chose to avoid me. I became an outcast because I was getting a divorce. I then went to the church minister for the solace that I so desperately needed, but the reception was cold and hostile.
That was not solace. I kept searching.
I became an industrial psychologist and memorised every theory about changing behaviour and thoughts. I applied these theories and they worked as long as people really wanted to buy into the constraints of the theories and shared a particular reality.
But then the company that I worked for experienced a low in the economic cycle and could no longer afford my expertise. I had to find another job. This is not a big deal in itself, but it took me seven months to find another job. In my culture this was a definite sign of failure, and as a result I could not share the path with anyone else. None of the theories worked for me. I needed solace.
At the same time a friend looked at me for help in dealing with a very personal crisis. None of the theories worked for his situation either and I had to pretend to be strong while I desperately needed solace. Not from the church, not from knowledge of psychological theories, not from family, not from friends – none of them could provide any for me.
That is when my search for solace started in earnest. In desperation I did a thing that was regarded as a big sin – I went to see a psychic. She gave me the hope and courage that I was looking for. She told me about the job that I would get, and everything turned out as she had predicted. I was impressed. I wanted to know more.
I had a glimpse of solace, but the new job and the friend that challenged every paradigm that I grew up with took that away again. I discovered that it is much easier to lose inner peace than to find it.
To be continued.
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Love and Light
Elsabe
